What a nice year. Actually. It wasn't that bad.
I'm even going to throw this out there: these past 6 months have been EXTRA RAD.
TIME TO GET PERSONAL: I've probably changed the most this year. The beginning of 2013 was the first time that I actually liked someone! Aside from Aaron Carter and Gordo from Lizzie McGuire, I must admit I had never really liked a boy before. Wowie.
I knew from the start that I was romanticizing him into someone he clearly wasn't...but it was nice having those feelings for the first time. Dopamine? Yeah, that. In fact, it was the most exciting thing ever. It was HOLY.
The boy turned out to not be exactly how I pictured - but I will cherish him as my first school girl crush ever.
(God - I'm too old for this.)
2013 was a year of self love. I remember being so anxious in the beginning, latching onto people who didn't necessarily have my best interests in mind. I felt like I became a friend to fill space, to get connections. Getting out of that situation was the best decision and feeling I ever had. It was pure EUPHORIA. Realizing that you can always opt out to do your own thing was brand new to me.
Being able to be on your own is SO important. I began to learn how to deal with my anxiety, how to stop thinking negatively, and I finally reached out to those friends who were there for me the whole time. If I hadn't of taken that step - I wouldn't want to know the person I would have become.
One of the best moments was seeing Crystal Castles with my friend Bonnie. You would think being squished against hippies and punk kids alike would be terrifying - but it was probably the best bonding experience I'd ever had. Something about the hue of the lights, the pounding bass. No one was trying to feel you up or buy you a drink, everyone was just there for the music.
It was the best high of my life. What was even more euphoric was walking downtown in the chilled May air with my friends afterwards. Walking outside by the loner smokers, hugging old high school friends, catching the bus back - still buzzing.
Then there was work, and all that comes with work. Meeting and befriending people you probably wouldn't have, watching how people react with each other, having the coworker bond of hatred against horrible customers whilst working retail, and really appreciating smoke/lunch breaks. It made me realize how good I have it, being able to have an education when I worked along people who deserved it way more but had to make a living instead.
Then fall. Fall 2013 was great. It was the first time that I felt like I belonged somewhere in a long time. I met up with old friends, made some new ones through activism, and generally had awesome weekends. I didn't act like my usual myself and I liked it.
Then there were the random friends: the girl who was in my dorm last year. We ended up getting late night coffee and talked about existentialism and how we have no idea what we are doing in school. It was the deepest conversation I've had to this date.
There was the troublemaker in my French class who the teacher disliked (more than me, I might add). We bonded over our failures in the education system. She is like an older sister to me, but more crass. She's loud, not always P.C., and has the attention span of a goldfish. Yet, she is the most fiercely loyal person I've ever encountered and can go from making you laugh hysterically to making you spill your guts in order to sort your shit out.
I started making short films again, Mini DV/VHS/collage stuff. I used to detest everything I made in art - even the stuff that won awards, but this time it all just flowed out for some reason. I realized how important it is to have access to resources and technology - and how comforting it can be to have them (shout out to Adobe and really nice Mac computers).
Wrapping it up, I came in contact with someone who was really fresh. They had a passion like mine and seemed to have their life somewhat figured out, which let me breathe a little easier. They seemed driven and focused, but also childlike. CHILDLIKE. I really admired that, I didn't think people could still have that when they "grew up".
I admit - I can be really cynical of my own future. The economy, my barely-making-money "profession" path, my own issues - they all seem to hinder me from progressing. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to get through it all. To be honest, I still am.
But by just being in contact with this person I learned that everyone doesn't have it completely figured out, but making things work is do-able. Having the urgency to find yourself as soon as possible, make it big, get rid of all your debt - is keeping you paralyzed from actually living and creating things.
This person made me feel like it'd all be okay, and I don't think they know that.
So, cheers to 2013 - a turning point.
Hopefully you all had a nice time this year, and if you didn't, I hope you keep optimism in you for this upcoming year. My constant existential battle with human interaction proved fruitful this time around, even with the friendships I'd lost - the boys too. I would be lying if I said I didn't have major lows - they came and passed, but I wouldn't change a thing.
You'd be amazed at how quickly you can change, or how quickly your environment can change. You have to be open to it. It's scary, but it's great.
Never be stagnant.